In 1992, Wayne and I and our 2 sons were living in a small apartment belonging to the organization we worked for, after having lived in many places around the world in our married life. We had already decided to stay in Toronto. We realized that by pulling together all the assets we had, and some other supports, we had the possibility of buying a house.  So Wayne and I sat down with our boys (11 and 17 at the time), and did a consensus workshop on “What values do we want to hold in buying a house?

We sat in a semi-circle around our dining room table to think about this question.  Each person brainstormed quietly onto cards, and then read them out and clarified them.  Both boys wanted to stay close to the schools they were in.  Aaron wanted to stay close to friends.  I wanted a garden, and a place to sit outside.  Wayne and I both wanted to stay close to our work.  Tim wanted a curb for skateboarding, and a dog.  Wayne wanted to have a place to do woodworking.  I wanted a separate bedroom for each of the boys, and one for us. I also wanted to be close to public transport, since we didn’t own (or want to own) a car. I also wanted something really affordable.

Then we started to cluster them by similar values.  At first glance, the ideas were very diverse. But then we started to see the larger patterns.

Staying close to current schools, friends and staying close to our office were clearly staying in the same part of the city. A curb for skateboarding and being close to public transit also expanded this cluster.

The value of being affordable clustered with Wayne’s value of being able to do woodworking.

Tim’s value of a dog clustered with my value of a garden.

So when we named our common values, we named them something like

• An urban neighbourhood close by where we had been living, with public transit.
• An older home (fixer-upper) that was affordable.
• A house with a backyard (for a dog and a garden)

Our colleagues who were also looking for a place to live found condos that suited them.  But our values showed us that we were not looking for a condo. 

We found a nearly hundred-year-old house that needed upgrading and that had a backyard, in a lovely shady neighbourhood, close to where we had been living and walking distance from two forms of transit.  The house had three bedrooms.  When we learned that there was a workshop in the basement and the owner was willing to sell all his tools and equipment for a reasonable price, that was the clincher for Wayne. And within a few weeks, we found a rescue dog to join us.  32 years later, we are still living in the house, upgraded with Arts and Crafts style design and cabinets that Wayne built.  Involving the whole family in clarifying our values made that possible.

What family decisions would be enhanced if you involved the whole family in contributing to the decision?