A couple of colleagues mentioned in social media posts before the holidays that it is very challenging to facilitate family members – that chaos can erupt very quickly. 

I was reminded of a story of facilitating my family years ago.  My parents were still living on our small family farm, but we all knew they were getting toward the end of their lives, and that the farm would eventually belong to me and my siblings.  My siblings had some strong ideas of what they wanted the farm to be like, and they wanted everyone else to agree.  At the same time, they were suspicious of formal facilitation, equating it with manipulation. At Christmas one year they asked me to tell my father what he should do, since they had an idea that my father thought a lot of me and would be more likely to agree with what I said.  As a facilitator, I really resented their attempt to force me to manipulate my father, or anyone. But I knew that starting to use a formal method with my usual upfront working assumptions would turn them off. 

So when we were all sitting around the table after dinner, I casually picked up a spoon and said, “we are going to use this spoon as a talking stick.  Each person in turn around the circle will have a chance to speak about what direction we want the farm to go in.  While you have the spoon, you can talk uninterrupted.  But when you finish, you hand the spoon to the next person, and it is their turn to talk uninterrupted. You don’t have to agree, just listen while the others are talking.” 

My father immediately said, “Can I go first?”  I handed him the spoon, and he talked in some passionate detail about his vision for the farm.  It was exactly what my siblings had said to me before the meeting! The spoon went around the circle very quickly after that, as all that was needed to add was some detail and specifics that clarified the vision. 

The tool was so relaxed, no one could accuse me of using facilitation tools.  But that was exactly what I did.  Everyone heard each other, and consensus was reached without chaos.

Several years later, we needed a detailed strategic plan to move the farm plans forward.  This time they allowed me to use a formal method.  They participated fairly well, but were easily distracted, and the commitment to carry out the plans did not have their hearts in it. 

I learned from these experiences that sometimes, and especially in families, it is much more productive to use casual, informal methods, quietly guiding the group to speak and listen, than to use a formal method.  The main intent is to make sure everyone gets a chance to speak, and that the common patterns can emerge, as well as making sure the differences are also heard. 

In case you wonder, the final result of all the family consensus and work was that after my parents died and my brother, who had stayed on the farm, was ready to retire and leave it, we siblings collaborated to turn the farm into a publicly owned and managed nature preserve.